Years ago, dear Christian
friends of my wife and me explained why they had gotten divorced by writing,
"We exhausted our spiritual resources." It was one of the strangest
explanations I had ever heard, especially from two Ph.D.'s and Christian educators
who knew very well that God's spiritual resources are inexhaustible.
Apparently, they were unwilling to admit what had really happened and to say,
"We quit trying."
More recently, another close
Christian friend, a Ph.D. in New Testament studies no less, and a long-time
educator, left his wife for another woman, who herself was seminary trained and
a pastor, by saying to his wife, "I haven't loved you for the last seven
years." What he meant, of course, was that he didn't have the same kind of
feelings he once had for her. But in the Bible love is primarily a commitment,
obedience to God's commands, rather than an emotion.
Just this fall, a former
student and long-time pastor told me about how had "made a mistake"
and cheated on his wife. In fact, he used the expression several times in our
conversation. Never once did I hear the word "sin," however.
But how about the innocuous
and even heart-warming, "I fell in love"? As sweet as it sounds, it's
not a biblical expression. And if you can claim you've fallen in love, then you
can say you've fallen out of love, as lots of people do. In a country in which
even many Christians think the pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right
(no, just because the American Constitution declares it so doesn't make it
true), is it any wonder that people justify leaving their spouses because they
just don't feel good any more?
Paul, in his famous love
chapter, writes in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does
not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Notice the use of
"always" a few times? And the adjectives and verbs used to
characterize love don't have that much to do with emotion, except perhaps when
they refer to keeping it under control.
Twice in my life, I've had
friends who were in the process of divorcing their spouses who looked me
straight in the face, and admitted, "I know, I'm reneging on my wedding
vows." At least they were honest. So were Bill McCartney and company when
they challenged us to be promise-keepers. That's what it's really all about -
promise keeping.
If I can't trust someone to
remain true to their word when they have made the most solemn pledge of their
entire lives before God, spouse, and a Christian congregation, why should I
trust them for anything else?
Now, of course, God is a God
of amazing grace, wonderful forgiveness and countless fresh starts. And I have
dear friends who sinned miserably with their first spouses and are having
godly, inspiring second marriages.
But they repented.
They called sin sin. They confessed to God and
fellow humans. They prayed for forgiveness. They received godly
counsel and, often, counseling. Their lives genuinely changed. The words we use
for labeling concepts do matter.
Most countries and cultures
in the history of the world that have practiced arranged marriages have had
extremely low divorce rates. At least those couples recognized that it wasn't
feelings or emotions that made or unmade marriages. They were also less likely
to define love as a feeling or an emotion in the first place.
1 Corinthians 13 ends
with the famous 1 Corinthians 13:13: "And now these three remain: faith, hope
and love. But the greatest of these is love." If love is
eternal and love is the greatest of the attributes we will share throughout
eternity, maybe we'd better start paying more attention in this life to what it
truly involves. Richard Walker, a former pastor of mine and founder of AMOR
Ministries, working with Brazilians in the Upper Amazon basin, put it well,
"Love is the giving of the very best you have on behalf of another
regardless of response." - even when it's thrown back in your face. Isn't
that what Jesus did with and for us?
Dr. Craig L. Blomberg is a
distinguished professor of New Testament at Denver
Seminary in Denver, Colorado. His books include Interpreting the Parables,
Neither Poverty nor Riches, Jesus and the Gospels: An Introduction and Survey,
The Historical Reliability of John's Gospel, commentaries on Matthew
and 1 Corinthians, Making Sense of the New Testament: 3 Crucial
Questions and Preaching the Parables.
